Thursday Humor – Message From the Anus

endtimer

 

Almost from its inception Christian leaders have attempted to predict the second coming of Jesus based on their interpretations of vaguely defined signs suggested in scriptures.  All have failed and yet this doesn’t keep the self-anointed from rearing their ugly heads every few generations affirming THIS TIME that the end is truly here.

The latest of these jokers is Matthew Hagee, the son of the millionaire televangelist John Hagee based in the heart of the bible belt out of San Antonio, Texas.  The younger Hagee apparently has plans on inheriting his father’s holy snake oil sells enterprise that has enabled him to purchase a $2.1 million dollar 7,969 acre ranch “with not one, but FIVE lodges, a managers house, a gun locker, a smoke house, a skeet range and three barns.”   This wealthy lifestyle the Hagees enjoy is anathema to the apostolic tradition.

In a recent Broadcast from the Hagee Hotline young Matthew has jumped on the climate denier band wagon to position himself as the latest of the dooms day prophets

“The Bible says that whenever we approach the coming of the Lord Jesus Christ,” Hagee explained, “that there would be strange weather patterns. Jesus said this in Matthew the twenty-fifth chapter. So we have a decision to make: do we believe what an environmentalist group says and choose to live in a world where we’re attempting to make everything as clean in the air as possible, or do we believe what the Bible says, that these things were going to happen and that rather than try to clean up all of the air and solve all of the problems of the world by eliminating factories, we should start to tell people about Jesus Christ who is to return?”     SOURCE

It’s clear that Hagee has never read anything by real climate scientist otherwise he would know it’s not some “environmentalist group”  that present the case for man-made global warming but climate science scholars who have published peer-reviewed studies on the subject for decades.

Clearly Hagee hasn’t read his bible in some time either.  Though chapter 25 in the Book of Matthew does talk about Jesus returning someday after his crucifixion, Jesus nowhere mentions “strange weather patterns”  as a sign of this event.   In fact I have reviewed most of the biblical passages that refer to the “end of times” philosophy and nowhere is there any sufficient mention of  “mudslides, hurricanes, tornadoes and earthquakes and all of these various situations” Hagee refers to in this broadcast.  The word earthquake I think was mentioned a grand total of two times

The climate sciences have never mentioned earthquakes as one of those “various situations”.  Earthquakes are not weather Mr. Hagee.  They are either linked to naturally occuring volcanic activity or most likely “triggered by Tectonic activity associated with plate margins and faults.” 

In fact the climate science has never specifically connected any extreme weather event to rising global temperatures.  They have simply stated in all of their literature that the preponderance of evidence from their intensive research strongly suggests that warming temperatures from man’s use of fossil fuels is “very likely” effecting global climate conditions.

Anyone who suggests otherwise is speaking out of their ass and THIS is where I suspect Matthew Hagee really got his information.

dogassimageofjesus

Yes, that is the image of Jesus imbedded in the skin and fur of a canine’s butt.  Is this real?   You betcha! 

Hallelujah!  He has risen.   Pass the gas and smell the word.

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15 responses to “Thursday Humor – Message From the Anus

  1. This is the kind of thing that makes me oh-so mad.

    Level one: Selling fear to the ignorant and gullible
    Level two: Vague allusion to a “holy chapter” which doesn’t even support the claim.
    Level three: Oogity-Boogity is here, give me money.

    • That was perfect. In fact you could have just as easily supplanted that with what Hagee Jr. said and the effect would be the same. Recognized most of the members of Monty Python in this and Mr. Bean but not familiar with some of the other characters in it.

      • Do you mean the main speaker? He was Peter Cook, one of the cleverest satirists ever. He and Dudley Moore took Broadway by storm in the 1970s, but Moore went to Hollywood, and Cook died of drink. You can check out some of his other sketches on youtube, they’re well worth a look.

  2. You are pokin’ fun at my favorite group…the end timers…..where the end zone is ever moving further back…

  3. “So we have a decision to make: do we believe what an environmentalist group says and choose to live in a world where we’re attempting to make everything as clean in the air as possible, or do we believe what the Bible says, that these things were going to happen and that rather than try to clean up all of the air and solve all of the problems of the world by eliminating factories, we should start to tell people about Jesus Christ who is to return?”

    Start? Yeah, I think it’s about time that Jesus guy got some press. Hardly anybody has ever heard of him. Even many of his most dedicated fans have no idea what he’s all about.

    I’ll tell you one thing about Jesus, though. That fucker better get his lazy ass in gear and launch his comeback real fast. At this point, I can’t decide whether to build a bunker or an arc.

    • You’re right. If I had the funds, I’d built both for sure.

      Actually, I’ve been saving up for a unit in one of these since about 2000. That’s when I completely gave up any hope of avoiding complete societal meltdown. http://www.survivalcondo.com/ And I do love that the place is run on renewable energy and features aquaculture & hydroponic greenhouses. Talk about local food! Talk about a small carbon footprint! I don’t even want to wait for The Collapse.

      It’s really expensive, but I sure can’t afford to bank on that lazy hippie, Jesus, to save my ass from “the tribulations”.

  4. ya know, I used to read the Bible alla time. I figured,see, that somewhere in the scriptures there would be clues that would tell me who would win the next Super Bowl and then I would just bet appropriately and make scads of money. Didna work. Quit reading the Bible. Sports Illustrated has better pictures….and the Bible has no Swim suit issue. When they do…..I will go back to reading the Bible. At’s alla I gotz.

    • A common mistake Jim. Many people think reading the Bible will enhance their material well-being. It’s the interpreting of the Bible where all the real bucks are made.

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